Pigs and Washington

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells township in Iowa, claims he received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. By the way, your county agent agreed to help, but I decided to appeal directly to you when he showed me the forms and other paperwork he needed to pay me for not raising hogs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised. My friend Peterson is very joyful about the future of the business.

He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn (my estimate). I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising the corn to not feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that too. Although I have no experience in not milking cows, I feel that by the time I have learned how to make out the proper forms for not raising hogs I can qualify to make out forms for not milking cows.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

John Q. Public