just got back from a long drive. I was hoping that it would help clear my mind. It didn’t. As I was out driving, I took note of every bar that I passed. I think I’m starting to understand why some people drink to get rid of the pain. While I didn’t stop, I wanted to. Instead I went to the Temple, which, being 11:00 pm, was closed. I pulled into the parking lot of the Stake Center next to it and just sat there and thought. I looked at the white luster of the Las Vegas Nevada Temple, and the glittering lights of the Las Vegas metropolitan area. While I was there, I thought of something that that I wrote, back in 1996. The very end of it reads: “Will someone ever be able to, Oh, be able to glue together, The pieces of my broken heart?” I don’t entirely know why I thought about it, but, in a very real way, this secret has broken my heart.
You know the trouble with secrets? No one knows. What makes this one particularly troubling is that the person it regards doesn’t know that I know. I can’t feel like I can talk to that person without a big fight, without a lot of heartache. I can’t feel like I can talk to anyone else because this secret, if it got out, could really hurt this person. I care about this person too much to do that to this person. I’ve thought about going to see a Mental Health Professional, but can’t bring myself to do that. I’ve thought about going to see my Bishop, but I don’t think I want him to know this secret. I’ve tried to pray, but I can’t get the words out.
For a while yesterday (Thursday), I felt like I was getting out of the worst of it, but then, the nightmares started to haunt my mind again. I think I’ve cried more since learning of this secret on the 23rd than I have… I frankly don’t now how long. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to deal with this. I feel so… alone. I don’t know what to do.