Pigs and Washington

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells township in Iowa, claims he received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. By the way, your county agent agreed to help, but I decided to appeal directly to you when he showed me the forms and other paperwork he needed to pay me for not raising hogs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised. My friend Peterson is very joyful about the future of the business.

He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn (my estimate). I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising the corn to not feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that too. Although I have no experience in not milking cows, I feel that by the time I have learned how to make out the proper forms for not raising hogs I can qualify to make out forms for not milking cows.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

John Q. Public

So I was driving in my truck….

late Wednesday night on my way home from a hard, long day at work.  I noticed in front of me a nice look, late model Mitsubishi car.  The car was in good condition.  I then noticed the car had a “Hillary” bumper sticker.  I said out loud that the car would be going to the government subsidies apartments near my home.  Sure enough, they did.

Isn’t it amazing that someone who needs the government’s help paying for an apartment has a nice, newer car?  Isn’t it amazing that they’re planing on voting Democrat?  I’m so glad that after working all day that a little bit of my tax money can go to help this person rent an apartment a little cheaper so they could afford a new car.