Outsourced…

Washington, DC — July 9th, 2009

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009.

The move is being made in order to save the President’s $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months.

It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the President’s term. “We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,” stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). “We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,” Reynolds noted.

Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai India , will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls , NY . Thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India , he will be working primarily at night. “Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center,” stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.

“I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President.” A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama had never been familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. “We know these scripting tools work,” stated the spokesperson.

“Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about.”

Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama’s extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile

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"Oh, if something bad happens, I'll just come to your house!"

Read this on Aimee’s Sunshine Blog for Violent Chicks

Top 10 responses to “Oh, if something bad happens,
I’ll just come to your house!”

10. Not without six months of your own supplies, you won’t.

9. Yeah, your family means so little to you, I’ll be sure to pick up your slack.  Why don’t you bring all your credit card debt while you’re at it.

8. Sweet! We needed a decoy to walk the wire and be the first person shot!

7. Just be sure you show up with a ladder. Not sure how many corpses you’ll have to climb over.

6. I may give you the shirt off my back, but try to take it, and I can only spare half a buck worth of subsonic copper hollow-points.

5. Hey, bring all the barter goods you want – I love to haggle. A roll of TP will get you past the dogs.

4. Be sure to bring some good boots, cuz you’ll be up to your ankles in horse crap earning your keep.

3. Fine by me. I hear people taste like chicken.

2. Make sure you come early – the first five help me shoot the next fifty.

#1 is a tie:

1. “Don’t do that, Mommy will just shoot you and make Daddy bury you in the backyard.” (Are my kids great or what?)

1. “What, you thought I was gonna bunker down somewhere people can find me?” (Note found in my empty house)

What do you guys think?  Time to Get Prepared?

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Walreds and Post Offices

Monday night, Mikey and I were driving.  We went first to the Post Office.  When we got back in the car and I was buckling him in, he told me “Daddy, I see ‘of’.  See, ‘O-F'”.  I looked where he was pointing and it was the Post Office sign, and, sure enough, there is an “O-F” in Office.  I told him “Yeah, O-F does spell of.  It also has an F-I-C-E.  When you put that all together ‘O-F-F-I-C-E’, you know what that spells Mikey?”  “What?”  “Office”.  “Oh, and if you put “P-O-S-T” in front of that, you know what that spells Daddy?  Post Office.”

Later, we were driving by a Walgreens.  As you may know, the Walgreens logo is in red.  Mikey told me “Daddy, there’s Walgreens.  But the letters are all in red.  Maybe they should be ‘Walreds’.”

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Contests

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“I am entering!” said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya do?”

“First Place!” said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.”

“I’m entering,” says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?”

“First Place,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”

They continue walking when they see a sign: “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?” Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

“What happened?” they asked.

“Who the heck is this Nancy Pelosi?” asked Pinocchio.

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Mikey's prayer

Mikey has thrown up several times over the last couple days.  Not something he normally does.  Well tonight, as he was about to go to bed, he was saying his prayers, which went something like this:

“Dear Heavenly Father, please bless that we can have a good night sleep and that we can get up in the morning, and that I won’t throw up.   In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

I thought it was very sweet and cute.

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Bury the Hatchet!

The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.

For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters.

What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

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Why fund the "Mexico City Policy"?

Yesterday, President Barack Obama signed an executive order overturning the “Mexico City Policy” which prohibited Federal money (ie tax payers money) from being used to fund international groups the provide or promote abortions.  Let’s ignore for a moment all of our personal thoughts about abortion.  If we are truly in the “worst economy since the Great Depression” as President Obama likes to say, then why on earth are we going to want to spend anymore money on international aid then we currently are?

Speaking President Obama, I really like this Prickly City comic from yesterday.

stop-watching-msnbc

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