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How to win the Nobel Peace Prize in 12-days
Sunday, October 11th, 2009 | Author: michaelcox

How to win the Nobel Peace Prize in 12-days

Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize earlier this week. Over the last decade the only requirement to win the prize was that the nominee had to be critical of George W. Bush (see Al Gore, Mohamed El Baradei and Jimmy Carter).
President Obama has broken new ground here. Nominations for potential winners of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize ended on February 1. The president took office only 12 days earlier on January 20.
Let’s take a look at the president’s first 12 days in the White House according to his public schedule to see what he did to deserve a Nobel Peace Prize:

January 20: Sworn in as president. Went to a parade. Partied.
January 21: Asked bureaucrats to re-write guidelines for information requests. Held an “open house” party at the White House.
January 22: Signed Executive Orders: Executive Branch workers to take ethics pledge; re-affirmed Army Field Manual techniques for interrogations; expressed desire to close Gitmo (how’s that working out?)
January 23: Ordered the release of federal funding to pay for abortions in foreign countries. Lunch with Joe Biden; met with Tim Geithner.
January 24: Budget meeting with economic team.
January 25: Skipped church.
January 26: Gave speech about jobs and energy. Met with Hillary Clinton. Attended Geithner’s swearing in ceremony.
January 27: Met with Republicans. Spoke at a clock tower in Ohio.
January 28: Economic meetings in the morning, met with Defense secretary in the afternoon.
January 29: Signed Ledbetter Bill overturning Supreme Court decision on lawsuits over wages. Party in the State Room. Met with Biden.
January 30: Met economic advisers. Gave speech on Middle Class Working Families Task Force. Met with senior enlisted military officials.
January 31: Took the day off.
February 1: Skipped church. Threw a Super Bowl party.

So there you have it. The short path to the Nobel Peace Prize: Party, go to meetings, skip church, release federal funding to pay for abortions in foreign countries, party some more.

Popularity: 5% [?]

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Tax refund
Sunday, July 26th, 2009 | Author: michaelcox

If You Don’t Understand the Democrats’ Version of Tax Refunds, Maybe This Will Explain It

Five thousand people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out, therefore a  refund was then due.
The team was about to mail refunds when a group of congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee’s interpretation of fairness.
Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets.  Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets.
A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:

  • People in the $10 seats will get back $15.  After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with.  Call it an “Earned Income Ticket Credit.”  Persons “earn” it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.
  • People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it “seems fair.”
  • People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don’t need a refund.  After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.
  • People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it’s the “right thing to do.”
  • People walking past the stadium that couldn’t afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn’t pay anything for the tickets.  They need the most help.
    Now do you understand?

    Popularity: 3% [?]

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    Differences between boys and girls
    Saturday, July 25th, 2009 | Author: michaelcox

    I was talking to Mikey tonight.  Somehow, the differences between boys and girls came up.  He told me “Girls wear hair ties in their hair.  Boys were hair ties on their hands as braclets sometimes.”  Thought it was funny.

    Popularity: 1% [?]

    Category: Family, Humor, Mikey  | Tags: , ,  | Leave a Comment
    Outsourced…
    Sunday, July 19th, 2009 | Author: michaelcox

    Washington, DC — July 9th, 2009

    Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009.

    The move is being made in order to save the President’s $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months.

    It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the President’s term. “We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,” stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). “We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,” Reynolds noted.

    Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

    Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai India , will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls , NY . Thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

    It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India , he will be working primarily at night. “Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center,” stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.

    “I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President.” A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama had never been familiar with the issues either.

    Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. “We know these scripting tools work,” stated the spokesperson.

    “Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about.”

    Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

    Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

    A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama’s extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile

    Popularity: 2% [?]

    Category: Humor, Politics  | Tags: , ,  | 6 Comments
    Mikey knows it!
    Thursday, June 25th, 2009 | Author: michaelcox

    Last night, Mommy and Mikey were playing on the piano.  Mommy turned to a page in The Childrens Songbook.  She asked Mikey is he knew what song it was.  He said “I Am a Child of God”, which is correct. We asked him how he knew it.  “Did you read it” Mommy asked.  He said “Yes.  See there is an ‘o-f” there.  That says of.

    Popularity: 1% [?]

    Category: Family, Humor, LDS  | Tags: , , ,  | Leave a Comment
    "Oh, if something bad happens, I'll just come to your house!"
    Saturday, June 20th, 2009 | Author: michaelcox

    Read this on Aimee’s Sunshine Blog for Violent Chicks

    Top 10 responses to “Oh, if something bad happens,
    I’ll just come to your house!”

    10. Not without six months of your own supplies, you won’t.

    9. Yeah, your family means so little to you, I’ll be sure to pick up your slack.  Why don’t you bring all your credit card debt while you’re at it.

    8. Sweet! We needed a decoy to walk the wire and be the first person shot!

    7. Just be sure you show up with a ladder. Not sure how many corpses you’ll have to climb over.

    6. I may give you the shirt off my back, but try to take it, and I can only spare half a buck worth of subsonic copper hollow-points.

    5. Hey, bring all the barter goods you want – I love to haggle. A roll of TP will get you past the dogs.

    4. Be sure to bring some good boots, cuz you’ll be up to your ankles in horse crap earning your keep.

    3. Fine by me. I hear people taste like chicken.

    2. Make sure you come early – the first five help me shoot the next fifty.

    #1 is a tie:

    1. “Don’t do that, Mommy will just shoot you and make Daddy bury you in the backyard.” (Are my kids great or what?)

    1. “What, you thought I was gonna bunker down somewhere people can find me?” (Note found in my empty house)

    What do you guys think?  Time to Get Prepared?

    Popularity: 1% [?]

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    Walreds and Post Offices
    Wednesday, June 03rd, 2009 | Author: michaelcox

    Monday night, Mikey and I were driving.  We went first to the Post Office.  When we got back in the car and I was buckling him in, he told me “Daddy, I see ‘of’.  See, ‘O-F’”.  I looked where he was pointing and it was the Post Office sign, and, sure enough, there is an “O-F” in Office.  I told him “Yeah, O-F does spell of.  It also has an F-I-C-E.  When you put that all together ‘O-F-F-I-C-E’, you know what that spells Mikey?”  “What?”  “Office”.  “Oh, and if you put “P-O-S-T” in front of that, you know what that spells Daddy?  Post Office.”

    Later, we were driving by a Walgreens.  As you may know, the Walgreens logo is in red.  Mikey told me “Daddy, there’s Walgreens.  But the letters are all in red.  Maybe they should be ‘Walreds’.”

    Popularity: 1% [?]

    Category: Family, Humor  | Tags: , ,  | 3 Comments
    Contests
    Friday, May 29th, 2009 | Author: michaelcox

    Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”

    “I am entering!” said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya do?”

    “First Place!” said Snow White.

    They continue walking and they see a sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.”

    “I’m entering,” says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?”

    “First Place,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”

    They continue walking when they see a sign: “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?” Pinocchio enters.

    After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

    “What happened?” they asked.

    “Who the heck is this Nancy Pelosi?” asked Pinocchio.

    Popularity: 1% [?]

    Category: Humor, Politics  | Tags: , , ,  | One Comment
    Obama Man
    Wednesday, May 20th, 2009 | Author: michaelcox

    Popularity: 1% [?]

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    Mikey's prayer
    Saturday, April 25th, 2009 | Author: michaelcox

    Mikey has thrown up several times over the last couple days.  Not something he normally does.  Well tonight, as he was about to go to bed, he was saying his prayers, which went something like this:

    “Dear Heavenly Father, please bless that we can have a good night sleep and that we can get up in the morning, and that I won’t throw up.   In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

    I thought it was very sweet and cute.

    Popularity: 1% [?]

    Category: Family, Humor, LDS, Mikey  | Tags: , , ,  | 2 Comments
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