Lie Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man, “and whose clock is that?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his life.”

“Where’s President Obama’s clock?” asked the man.

“Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office,” said St. Peter, “he’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

Tax refund

If You Don’t Understand the Democrats’ Version of Tax Refunds, Maybe This Will Explain It

Five thousand people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out, therefore a  refund was then due.
The team was about to mail refunds when a group of congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee’s interpretation of fairness.
Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets.  Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets.
A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:

  • People in the $10 seats will get back $15.  After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with.  Call it an “Earned Income Ticket Credit.”  Persons “earn” it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.
  • People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it “seems fair.”
  • People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don’t need a refund.  After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.
  • People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it’s the “right thing to do.”
  • People walking past the stadium that couldn’t afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn’t pay anything for the tickets.  They need the most help.
    Now do you understand?

  • Quote of the Moment

    I am saying to you that to me the Constitution of the United States of America is just as much from my Heavenly Father as the Ten Commandments. When that is my feeling, I am not going to go very far away from the Constitution, and I am going to try to keep it where the Lord started it, and not let anti-Christs come into this country that began because people wanted to serve God.

    George Albert Smith
    April 1948 General Conference
    Day Three Afternoon Session

    Outsourced…

    Washington, DC — July 9th, 2009

    Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009.

    The move is being made in order to save the President’s $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months.

    It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the President’s term. “We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,” stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). “We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,” Reynolds noted.

    Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

    Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai India , will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls , NY . Thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

    It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India , he will be working primarily at night. “Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center,” stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.

    “I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President.” A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama had never been familiar with the issues either.

    Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. “We know these scripting tools work,” stated the spokesperson.

    “Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about.”

    Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

    Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

    A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama’s extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile